Time

Time heals all wounds, over time the pain will pass, in time it will get better. I don't think so. After my parents passed away in Feb and April of this year my life has been like a big roller coaster. I have my ups and downs and my good days and bad days. I put on the "everything is OK" face and go about my day like a robot. I realize of course that I am not the only person to lose their parents, I get that. But these are my mom and my dad...don't you understand that? When people come up to me and say, "You're doing so well", I just want to scream. I'm not doing well, it's a show. How could I be doing well? I go through my routine because it's what I know, it's my comfort zone. I keep myself busy, probably too busy and I avoid any "down-time" or quiet time because that is when my brain turns on and I cannot find the off button. I thought things would get better with time. Yes I know it's only been a few months but I'm strong and I can do this. Well, I came to a realization recently that I cannot do it on my own and I do need help and that is OK. I joined a grief support group and just had my first session tonight. As expected I sobbed, cried, pulled myself together for a few moments only to lose it again...over and over and over for almost 2.5 hours. The pain I am feeling is my own pain, but it is amazing to me to listen to others who are experiencing similar feelings and anger and frustration and sadness like mine. I don't disregard that I have many things to be thankful for. My children are the top of that list, it goes unsaid they are my main focus and they really are what keep me going. But it's not about being gracious or thankful. Right now it's about me and how I begin to put myself back together as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as a sibling and as a daughter. I have faith that in time I can begin to find peace in all that has happened. Right now Emily is broken and for lack of a better phrase: I'm out of service. I need to rebuild and refocus. I need to keep my life simple and calm and peaceful. I need my friends and my family to understand and to help me along the way. I need them to understand that I am hurting and I am struggling and that I just need time. I don't know how much time...I have my doubts there will be enough time to heal this but I have faith that I will be proven wrong. Time...sweet time.

Overwhelming, exhausting, unbelievable, surreal. I'm not really sure which word best describes me right now. After my father passed away at the end of February my world has been spinning. I won't say it's been spinning out of control, just spinning. Lots of general searching, lots questions and lots of inner soul searching. On top of all of this my mothers health has been deteriorating quickly as well. We planned a "Sister Trip" with my Mom to the Bahamas. What a gift that would turn out to be. My mother has had to fight for everything all of her life. She raised 6, yes 6...beautiful, wise, intelligent, cute and funny (that part is for me LOL)children in her 72 years of life. On Maundy Thursday, April 1st, April Fools Day...whichever phrase best describes it; my Mother finally surrendered. No more fighting, no more. Absolutely indescribable. I am simply numb. My Mother has taught me so many things in my life. Life is about the fight. Give it all you got. I don't have much more, I feel like I've been punched in the gut and the wind knocked out of me. But I know somehow I will fumble my way back up. It's just human nature. I am not there yet, not even close. If I could, I would just curl up and sleep my days away. I miss her so much already. But, I can't. I am in awe of the life surrounding me. My girls simply amaze me. Seriously. I know every parent says this, but have you really taken the time to just watch them in action? Amazing. Those 2 little angels keep me going right now. They make me smile, they make me sad, they make me mad, they make me feel like I am alive. They are doing more than I could ever imagine. They are doing what they are supposed to. I will do the same in my own time, I'm just not sure what time that will be yet. Stick by me and give me some encouragement. I know I'm not alone but this is rough stuff. I'm too young to lose my Mother and my Father in such short period of time. I don't get to make those choices. I will always need my Momma. Always.

Onward and Upward

Easy enough right? Onward and upward. It's been nearly 2 weeks since my father passed away and somehow life still continues to move onward and upward. There are days, moments, minutes, seconds that I pause and wonder if I can keep going. My heart breaks, aches, ponders and every other adjective in between yet I am still here, I am still standing strong. They say that God does not put more on us then we can really handle. Wow...he must think I am superwoman! How do we pull ourselves together and move forward? I don't know. I'm not sure I feel all that pulled together and I'm not sure I am really moving forward. There are times when it feels like I am just fumbling through the motions, it is just a routine. But life isn't a routine, there is nothing "normal" about it...at least not my life. There is a reason my Blog title is Total Thompson Chaos. I need not say anything more. I am learning to address my emotions and my feelings. I am learning to take a little time for myself. I am learning that life HAS to go on. My daughters need me, my husband needs me (I think anyway!), my pets need me and I need me. That is how I deal with my sadness, my pain, my grief, and that is how I mourn my father's death. He would want me to, he would expect me to. It has been a strange couple of weeks. It is difficult to put it all into words. It helps to put some of my thoughts and feelings down, they seem scattered to me but I guess that is really what I feel and that is really what I'm going through. I am scattered these days. More than usual.
I think this will just take more time than I anticipated. A part of me will always be empty and missing. But I will do my best to please my father and I will continue to push onward and upward just the way he would have done it.

One Step Ahead

I still can't believe my father is gone. I was there, I saw him. Yup, he's gone. We went to the cemetary, had the funeral...yup, he is gone. Then why can't I seem to accept this? I keep thinking of just picking up the phone and calling him and he will answer in his regular voice, same rapid conversation and then hang up. But...it's real. Real as I sit here an type this. How do I go about moving forward? I'm 34 years old and I feel too young to lose my father. I am angry and confused but I know that I must keep my head up and keep moving forward. It helps to talk about him and it helps to tell his funny stories but of course that won't bring him back. It will take me some time to figure all of this out. One foot in front of the other is all I can focus on doing right now. Even that has its ups and downs. It all seems so surreal.
I miss my father. There aren't words to express how I am feeling. I'm sure this is different for everyone who has experienced this type of loss in your life. How do you make it through? What is the secret? I guess I'll have to muddle through it on my own and in my own way. My girls will help keep me grounded, they already have. My husband is my rock and shoulder to cry on...Lord knows I've done plenty of that the past week. I have a great support system. I shall make it through, come hell or high water. My Dad would want me to...he would expect me to.
My thoughts are all over the board tonight. It is hard to make sense of it all. All I can do is take one step ahead...

Broken Hearted

I am unsure how to begin this blog tonight. I am beside myself with grief, anger, despair, love, hurt, sadness and hopefulness. It started with an unexpected phone call last evening from my oldest sister. It is one of those calls that you dread. You know the one that makes your heart stop, takes your breath away, sends sheer panic through your body all before you even answer the call. Like most people my phone doesn't ring late at night unless there is something wrong. Nothing can ever prepare you for this, I don't care what other people say. I hardly remember the call to be honest. I just remember sobbing and asking over and over what? why? how? My father Curtis Benjamin Johnson passed away peacefully in his sleep in the wee hours of Friday Feb. 26th. I have had an extensive and complex relationship with my father. Growing up I was no doubt classified as a typical Daddy's girl. Undeniable. I asked for something, I got it. I never really "got" what all of that meant until I was older. I had passion for the same activities my father did. I loved to fish, loved to be outdoors, loved to play and hunt with dogs, loved spending time with my Dad. It didn't matter what, just as long as we were together. I have so many fond memories there just isn't enough time to write them all down. However just like life, it isn't all happiness and roses. We had our flaws as well. As I grew older I became a bit more aware of what was happening around me and I started to become a bit more outspoken...feeling out where my place was and where I stood. My parents divorced when I was about 16. It was brutally hard on me. I rebelled as expected. I spoke out and told my father what I thought. I had lost respect for him and his actions and chose to distance myself from him for some time. Years passed by and we kept in touch, sometimes just a phone call but more often than not by a letter between us. I wish I would have kept them all. I received letters when my father was deployed to Desert Storm. I received so many letters and read them, saved them for a little while and then tossed them aside. I grew older and began to come into my own, become ME. Who is me...well, I continue to question that. With this latest jolt in my life it sets me back. I feel like a little girl again who is lost and needs someone to show her the way. I don't have time for that, I have to be strong and I have to remain solid for my two daughters. My heart breaks. When I first found out I was pregnant with Murphey I had grandiose hopes that my Father would be such a fabulous Grandpa. I was wrong. I always held out hope that he would want to build a bond with my girls, like I had when I was growing up. Someone to show them the simple things in life, the wind blowing through a forest full of trees, a quiet paddle on a lake. I held out hope....but that hope was yanked from me last night. I didn't get to have a chance. I have many regrets and things that I wish I could have done or should have done. Should I have regrest? Should I feel bad? Only time will tell with that. The pain is too raw, too deep and too overwhelming for me. I feel like a child that needs to be held up. Can I make it through? We haven't been that close for a few years again, but for some reason that doesn't seem to matter to me. Maybe it's our own inner self-defense. I only seem to be able to remember the good things right now. Oh don't get me wrong, I remember the "bad" stuff too, but the others over shadow it.
Maybe I'll always be the baby of the family, maybe I am too sensitive and too forgiving. I am no expert here. I know that I loved my Father. I know that he made me smile and that he has given me so many memories. Good and Bad...but those are the things that have shaped me and has made me who I am today for better or worse. I know that I can sit here right now and here is voice in my head and it brings a smile to my face. I know that I will move forward and I will be stronger after this. I know that I will always do my best and work my hardest and put my best foot forward. I know that I will never forget him. I know for sure that my heart is broken tonight.

Fantastically Me

I heard this said today..."Why do you worry about what everyone else thinks? Just be you, fantastically you.". I love it. Yes, we should just be us, us in every way. Why do we strive to put on the "show" for everyone else? What do we really get from that? Well for me it's a little more complicated then just trying to please everyone. I am me...most of the time. I try every day to really be ME. ME is: funny, happy go lucky, open, honest, caring, competitive, loving, sensitive, serious. I guess I'm just ME. I don't know how to explain that. I do care about making others happy though. Making other people laugh or smile, makes me happy. That is part of me too. I am a giver. Probably too much sometimes, another fault of mine. If you call that a fault. That quote struck me today, hit a chord in me and made me stop. Someone else just wants me to be "ME". It's about time! I think often we try to be someone we are not. I am a woman, a wife, a mother. I am not perfect and I am full of flaws, flaws that make each of us who we are. I don't want to change, I shouldn't have to. I'm embracing me for who I am and what I am. Today is a new day.

Juggling Act

Well being a full time mom and working full time is not always an easy balance to perform. Both girls are under the weather today, fevers and nasty little coughs. After receiving a phone call from daycare I had no choice but to leave work early. Now normally this wouldn't be such a big deal but my job isn't as "secure" as I would like it to be. We are hearing rumblings of another round of layoffs in less than a month and regardless of what is going on I can't help but be nervous and paranoid. I know it's out of my hands and that all I can do is keep my head up and continue to do my job the best I know how. However, balancing work and mom life has been awfully trying the past few weeks. I really have been trying to focus on myself this year as well. After my girls were born honestly my focus became them. Even poor Thad has had to take a back seat to it all. I guess it's all about balance. Well I can honestly say I'm wobbling. Me time is important. I'm trying hard to get myself back into a more healthy shape and lifestyle all while keeping up the house, balancing time with my husband and devoting as much time as I possibly can to my sweet little girls. Oh...and somewhere in there throw in a 40+ hour work week and 2 dogs that also need my attention. I sometimes sit back and wonder how it all gets done? Well, it doesn't. Something always suffers and it seems as though most often than not it is my "me" time or poor Thad. I will continue to press on and seek that master balance. I know it's out there, I know it can be done. I know I can do it.