Broken Hearted

I am unsure how to begin this blog tonight. I am beside myself with grief, anger, despair, love, hurt, sadness and hopefulness. It started with an unexpected phone call last evening from my oldest sister. It is one of those calls that you dread. You know the one that makes your heart stop, takes your breath away, sends sheer panic through your body all before you even answer the call. Like most people my phone doesn't ring late at night unless there is something wrong. Nothing can ever prepare you for this, I don't care what other people say. I hardly remember the call to be honest. I just remember sobbing and asking over and over what? why? how? My father Curtis Benjamin Johnson passed away peacefully in his sleep in the wee hours of Friday Feb. 26th. I have had an extensive and complex relationship with my father. Growing up I was no doubt classified as a typical Daddy's girl. Undeniable. I asked for something, I got it. I never really "got" what all of that meant until I was older. I had passion for the same activities my father did. I loved to fish, loved to be outdoors, loved to play and hunt with dogs, loved spending time with my Dad. It didn't matter what, just as long as we were together. I have so many fond memories there just isn't enough time to write them all down. However just like life, it isn't all happiness and roses. We had our flaws as well. As I grew older I became a bit more aware of what was happening around me and I started to become a bit more outspoken...feeling out where my place was and where I stood. My parents divorced when I was about 16. It was brutally hard on me. I rebelled as expected. I spoke out and told my father what I thought. I had lost respect for him and his actions and chose to distance myself from him for some time. Years passed by and we kept in touch, sometimes just a phone call but more often than not by a letter between us. I wish I would have kept them all. I received letters when my father was deployed to Desert Storm. I received so many letters and read them, saved them for a little while and then tossed them aside. I grew older and began to come into my own, become ME. Who is me...well, I continue to question that. With this latest jolt in my life it sets me back. I feel like a little girl again who is lost and needs someone to show her the way. I don't have time for that, I have to be strong and I have to remain solid for my two daughters. My heart breaks. When I first found out I was pregnant with Murphey I had grandiose hopes that my Father would be such a fabulous Grandpa. I was wrong. I always held out hope that he would want to build a bond with my girls, like I had when I was growing up. Someone to show them the simple things in life, the wind blowing through a forest full of trees, a quiet paddle on a lake. I held out hope....but that hope was yanked from me last night. I didn't get to have a chance. I have many regrets and things that I wish I could have done or should have done. Should I have regrest? Should I feel bad? Only time will tell with that. The pain is too raw, too deep and too overwhelming for me. I feel like a child that needs to be held up. Can I make it through? We haven't been that close for a few years again, but for some reason that doesn't seem to matter to me. Maybe it's our own inner self-defense. I only seem to be able to remember the good things right now. Oh don't get me wrong, I remember the "bad" stuff too, but the others over shadow it.
Maybe I'll always be the baby of the family, maybe I am too sensitive and too forgiving. I am no expert here. I know that I loved my Father. I know that he made me smile and that he has given me so many memories. Good and Bad...but those are the things that have shaped me and has made me who I am today for better or worse. I know that I can sit here right now and here is voice in my head and it brings a smile to my face. I know that I will move forward and I will be stronger after this. I know that I will always do my best and work my hardest and put my best foot forward. I know that I will never forget him. I know for sure that my heart is broken tonight.