Time

Time heals all wounds, over time the pain will pass, in time it will get better. I don't think so. After my parents passed away in Feb and April of this year my life has been like a big roller coaster. I have my ups and downs and my good days and bad days. I put on the "everything is OK" face and go about my day like a robot. I realize of course that I am not the only person to lose their parents, I get that. But these are my mom and my dad...don't you understand that? When people come up to me and say, "You're doing so well", I just want to scream. I'm not doing well, it's a show. How could I be doing well? I go through my routine because it's what I know, it's my comfort zone. I keep myself busy, probably too busy and I avoid any "down-time" or quiet time because that is when my brain turns on and I cannot find the off button. I thought things would get better with time. Yes I know it's only been a few months but I'm strong and I can do this. Well, I came to a realization recently that I cannot do it on my own and I do need help and that is OK. I joined a grief support group and just had my first session tonight. As expected I sobbed, cried, pulled myself together for a few moments only to lose it again...over and over and over for almost 2.5 hours. The pain I am feeling is my own pain, but it is amazing to me to listen to others who are experiencing similar feelings and anger and frustration and sadness like mine. I don't disregard that I have many things to be thankful for. My children are the top of that list, it goes unsaid they are my main focus and they really are what keep me going. But it's not about being gracious or thankful. Right now it's about me and how I begin to put myself back together as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as a sibling and as a daughter. I have faith that in time I can begin to find peace in all that has happened. Right now Emily is broken and for lack of a better phrase: I'm out of service. I need to rebuild and refocus. I need to keep my life simple and calm and peaceful. I need my friends and my family to understand and to help me along the way. I need them to understand that I am hurting and I am struggling and that I just need time. I don't know how much time...I have my doubts there will be enough time to heal this but I have faith that I will be proven wrong. Time...sweet time.