Onward and Upward

Easy enough right? Onward and upward. It's been nearly 2 weeks since my father passed away and somehow life still continues to move onward and upward. There are days, moments, minutes, seconds that I pause and wonder if I can keep going. My heart breaks, aches, ponders and every other adjective in between yet I am still here, I am still standing strong. They say that God does not put more on us then we can really handle. Wow...he must think I am superwoman! How do we pull ourselves together and move forward? I don't know. I'm not sure I feel all that pulled together and I'm not sure I am really moving forward. There are times when it feels like I am just fumbling through the motions, it is just a routine. But life isn't a routine, there is nothing "normal" about it...at least not my life. There is a reason my Blog title is Total Thompson Chaos. I need not say anything more. I am learning to address my emotions and my feelings. I am learning to take a little time for myself. I am learning that life HAS to go on. My daughters need me, my husband needs me (I think anyway!), my pets need me and I need me. That is how I deal with my sadness, my pain, my grief, and that is how I mourn my father's death. He would want me to, he would expect me to. It has been a strange couple of weeks. It is difficult to put it all into words. It helps to put some of my thoughts and feelings down, they seem scattered to me but I guess that is really what I feel and that is really what I'm going through. I am scattered these days. More than usual.
I think this will just take more time than I anticipated. A part of me will always be empty and missing. But I will do my best to please my father and I will continue to push onward and upward just the way he would have done it.

One Step Ahead

I still can't believe my father is gone. I was there, I saw him. Yup, he's gone. We went to the cemetary, had the funeral...yup, he is gone. Then why can't I seem to accept this? I keep thinking of just picking up the phone and calling him and he will answer in his regular voice, same rapid conversation and then hang up. But...it's real. Real as I sit here an type this. How do I go about moving forward? I'm 34 years old and I feel too young to lose my father. I am angry and confused but I know that I must keep my head up and keep moving forward. It helps to talk about him and it helps to tell his funny stories but of course that won't bring him back. It will take me some time to figure all of this out. One foot in front of the other is all I can focus on doing right now. Even that has its ups and downs. It all seems so surreal.
I miss my father. There aren't words to express how I am feeling. I'm sure this is different for everyone who has experienced this type of loss in your life. How do you make it through? What is the secret? I guess I'll have to muddle through it on my own and in my own way. My girls will help keep me grounded, they already have. My husband is my rock and shoulder to cry on...Lord knows I've done plenty of that the past week. I have a great support system. I shall make it through, come hell or high water. My Dad would want me to...he would expect me to.
My thoughts are all over the board tonight. It is hard to make sense of it all. All I can do is take one step ahead...